I just have a lot of feelings about food. (This is basically a journey of me learning about these foods)
I just realised that if there’s snickers in there that means it’s got nuts and like nougat mixing together with the ‘cool whip’. WHY NOT ADD SOME TINY TOTS AND TINY TEDDIES WHILE YOU’RE THERE. Ugh.
[Liz notes: Cool Whip is a brand of imitation whipped cream which, despite occasional claims to the contrary, does contain dairy. Dairy-free cream substitutes have an interesting history, being linked to Jewish people wanting delicious desserts that are creamy yet kosher, and one day Steph and I will go out to the eastern suburbs to investigate the vegan and lactose-free potentials thereof.]
[Steph notes that a Jewish grocery store in Balaclava stocks a vegan Vienetta, and it’s so good.]
Nothing I can say will be as great as the wiki explanation: “The dish, an ‘American classic’, was popularized by author Clarence Edwords in his 1914 book, A Bohemian Guide to San Francisco Restaurants. To prepare, celery hearts are simmered in a veal or chicken stock, chilled (often in a citrus or vinegar marinade), tossed with mild peppers, then served over Romaine lettuce.” Celery is ALREADY DISGUSTING, why would you make it MORE DISGUSTING.
[Liz says: I dunno, this sounds okay to me. A bit bland, but that’s true of most American dishes. Celery, like time travel, is one of those areas where No Award has to agree to disagree.]
This recipe is direct from the Kraft website:
- 2 cups cooked long-grain white rice, cooled
- 1 can fruit cocktail, drained
- 1 can crushed pineapple, drained, 1 cup JET-PUFFED Miniature Marshmallows
- 1 cup thawed COOL WHIP Whipped Topping
Here are some questions. I assumed cool whip was like cream from a spray can so you don’t have to whip it. But if it’s thawed … is it frozen? Do you still have to whip it? What is a JET-PUFFED marshmallow? Is it from a jet engine? IS IT IN THE SHAPE OF A PLANE?
[Liz says: Cool Whip is sold in tubs and kept in the fridge! Like butter, only it’s more of an unholy mixture of oil and skim milk. Can’t explain the JET-PUFFED marshmallows, though.]
Why would anyone eat fruit cocktails?
Why would you ruin rice with fruit cocktails?
Why would you ruin rice with CREAM?
[Liz notes: I feel that this is unfair to those Northern Europeans who traditionally make rice pudding with cream. But that is real cream, which, while Liz is not a fan for lactose-intolerance reasons, is a natural and honest type of food. Cool Whip … look, I just don’t know. Cream at least has a taste.]
[Steph also hates rice porridge, making her the worst Chinese person ever.]
Jello (jelly) salad is clearly a dessert.
Some pages referred to this salad as a ‘no bake salad dessert’, which leads me to a whole bunch of other questions.
Putting those questions aside, this recipe also calls for cool whip, crushed pineapple, marshmallows, and a ‘pistachio pudding mix’, just continuing to prove that we may watch lots of American media and speak a similar dialect, but we really are two separate countries.
I can’t believe Stephanie missed the Waldorf salad, although maybe that was deliberate, since it traditionally contains ingredients made from actual food, and most variations are free of marshmallows.
Not that I’ve ever had a Waldorf salad, but I have fond memories of the Trixie Belden book where her brother’s girlfriend accidentally gives him cyanide poison by feeding him Waldorf salad containing apple seeds.
(Useful advice: in fact, it’s quite hard to poison a person using just apple seeds, as the poison is only released when they’re chewed or broken up — and the seeds are small and easily swallowed.)
(No Award does not endorse murder.)
The word salad has lost all meaning.
Steph hasn’t read this yet, but has been assured it is relevant to her interests: The Thanksgiving Recipes Googled in Every State.
Further in Salad
I note that there are lots of socio-economic elements to these outrageous salads that No Award might not necessarily get, highlighted by this excellent article at Serious Eats: A Social History of Jell-O Salad: The Rise and Fall of an American Icon. I actually know very little about this stuff and google is failing me, so really I’m just trusting my common sense and also what Liz is telling me.
All I know is that Jello salads are like Velveeta or bland white bread — they’re inexpensive versions of “real” food available to — well, poor white people who have grown up with limited diets because of issues around money and access to “real” food in food deserts. They’re particularly associated with Southerners — hence Mrs Bennet in The Lizzie Bennet Diaries humiliating her daughters by bringing a plate of vile gelatinous salad to the Lees — because, ya know, southern poverty and all that.
Traditional western European food — your standard beef and three veg — relies on quality, fresh ingredients for taste, and once frozen food shipped over long distances became a thing, a lot of that taste experience was lost. Especially in America, which kind of led the charge for processed foods, but also in Australia, and probably any western country where food has to travel a long distance from source to plate.
Accordingly, people who eat processed foods form the butt of a lot of classist humour, ie, every single Tumblr post that says “white cuisine” is just “white bread and mayonnaise”. It’s “hilarious” because it’s poking fun at people who have grown up with limited palates, and don’t have the resources (financial, retail, cultural or any or all of the above) to expand their knowledge of food.
Is there a racial component to this salad business, or is it all class-based? I honestly can’t tell. I usually avoid salad (not a fan of cold food) so I’m a little biased in this regard.
I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be surprised!
Stay tuned for more food rambling later in the month, because I went to a great talk on culinary geography that completely failed to talk about class whilst it did talk about hating when kids say they hated a thing they’d only had in its poor person adulterated form (like that shaker Parmesan that comes in the green tube).
FINALLY, please add in the comments any Western but not-Australian (specifically we want UK and USA) foods that No Award should try.