On Monday, Invasion Day (though you may know it as Australia Day), we woke to the news that Prime Minister Tony Abbott had looked at all the Australians deserving of recognition for their achievements and contributions to the nation … and bestowed a knighthood on Prince Philip, a one-man-argument for a republic.

Liz said, “Huh.”  Then she had breakfast and a cup of tea and checked again, and it was still not a joke.

What’s beautiful about Abbott’s choice is how Australians from all walks of life, across the spectrum of political beliefs and personal backgrounds, have come together to say as one: “What?”  And on such a divisive and fraught day as the anniversary of the European invasion and commencement of attempted genocide, that is a great thing.  Deserving, you might even say, of a knighthood.

On the other hand, it’s a bit of a joke, right?

Accordingly, No Award brings you a short list of people at least as deserving of knighthoods as Sir Mr The Queen:

• Loki of Asgard
• Mallory Ortberg
• Fire Lord Ozai
• Liz’s cat
• President Andrew Jackson retracted, on the grounds of indigenous genocide
• the Sydney seal
• any of the multiple lifesized fibreglass seals we saw in Geelong over the weekend
• a bird
• any bird
• but maybe especially an emu
• Roxane Gay
• First Dog on the Moon
• the Newcastle shark
• the semi-colon
• BLÅHAJ
• That street musician who wore the penguin suit
• Taylor Swift
• your mum
• Laverne Cox
• The entire cast of Orange is the New Black
• Even Taylor Schilling, I guess
• Clive Palmer’s dinosaurs
• the raptors in Jurassic Park
• the ceiling whales at the QLD Museum
• Ruth Brown for getting the word “seppos” into an American paper

• Bucky Barnes
• The Triple J Hottest 100
• The East-West Link
• A flat white from Starbucks
• Tatiana Maslany
• Spoilers: everyone on this list is played by Tatiana Maslany
• Weaves’s barista
• Weaves’s other barista who she goes to when she think the first one will judge her
• The 7-11 guy who doesn’t judge Weaves’s caffeine intake
• The Oxford comma
• The current North American blizzard
• Iggy Azalea
• Todd Woodbridge’s Australian Open ad on the trams
• Microsoft Word
• Our bosses
• Queen Victoria’s Geelong marble statues
• Tony Abbot’s daughters for the saintly way in which they have not murdered him yet
• Tony Abbott’s wife, same reason
• Tony Abbott’s queer sister, who has somehow never committed fratricide
• The ghost of Queen Victoria
• Can you give a queen a knighthood?
• Queen Sir Victoria
• Sir Queen Victoria?
• I’m into it
• Ghost Sir Queen Statue Victoria

• That guy who always phones outside office hours and leaves long voicemails whinging about how there’s never anyone around
• The Eastern Regional Library Service (and its amazing ebook collection)
• The KFC Double Down Dog
• The Jimmy Choo ads with John Snow lounging on them on the back of Telstra public pay phones
• Telstra public pay phones
• Telstra public pay phones with Wi-Fi
• Julia Gillard
• Centrelink
• Lee Lin Chin
• Lee Lin Chin’s Twitter account
• Brenda the Civil Disobedience Penguin
• Medicare

People even less deserving of knighthoods than Prince Philip

• #gamergate