Today’s post is brought to you by my subconscious!

Let me tell you, Enid Blyton and Mad Max: Fury Road make for an odd combination. But how would the Malory Towers girls fare in an apocalypse?

That really depends on the kind of apocalypse we’re looking at.

Take, for example, your classic mid-twentieth century “aliens invade and plucky British schoolgirls have to engage in guerilla warfare and it’s probably a Cold War metaphor” scenario. Which, by the way, is a book that really ought to be written, someone get on that.

In that situation, clearly the most useful Malory Towers students to have on your team are Alicia, June and Darrell. My reasoning:

• Alicia is a deeply terrible human being and June is even worse, but they are both incredibly resourceful, wouldn’t have too much trouble creating IEDs out of the limited resources they have to hand (does Malory Towers even have science labs?), and they have a ruthless streak that will enable them to take the sort of action that will send alien invaders packing.
• And, clearly, they need Darrell (and Sally) to stop them from committing outright war crimes.

On the other hand, if it’s a Survivors situation — a mysterious disease killing off the populace — the girl you want is — don’t laugh — Mary-Lou.

Look, she’s seemingly fragile and easily scared, but Mary-Lou has as much gumption as Darrell, and in some ways, more character. And, after school, she’s going to become a nurse. She has the practical common sense you need in this scenario, plus she’s fluent in French, which will facilitate trade with survivors on the Continent.

Runners-up: Darrell, Sally, Daphne, Gwen.

YES, GWEN. She may be weak-willed and snivelly, but when the absolute worst happens, Gwen will at least attempt to face it like a grown up, even if that means buckling down and becoming a secretary instead of going to finishing school.

On the other hand, if this is the sort of virus that also turns sufferers into zombies, you’re going to want Alicia, Clarissa and Bill on hand. Out of all the girls at Malory Towers, they’re the ones most likely to have experience with firearms — Bill and Alicia because they’re outdoorsy types with brothers, and Clarissa because she’s a member of the British upper classes and probably shoots foxes for fun. (Your Fave Is Problematic: The Hon Clarissa Carter.)  Despite the dangers of sending an adult lesbian into a situation where bullets are flying, I’d also include Miss Peters in the anti-zombie squad.

Probably the worst case scenario for these girls is the climate change dystopia. Like, yes, these characters are old enough to have experienced World War 2 rationing, but they are woefully under-prepared for water shortages. I mean … they’re English. (And French. And Generically European, Maybe Spanish, Possibly Romani in Carlotta’s case.)

What I’m saying is, maybe they’ll be able to spend a couple of years busting the black market in water (spoilers: June will be running the black market), but they’re doomed. All of them.