services the australian antarctic division requires

ALERT, ALERT, IMPORTANT NO AWARD ANNOUNCEMENT:

Applications for jobs in Antarctica for the Australian Division are now open!

OBVIOUSLY jobs such as electrical engineer, communications operator, and carpenter are all very important. Sadly, No Award is not qualified for any of those. (Frankly, it’s shocking that there’s no call for a Climate Change Adaptation Specialist, because Antarctica is going to need one of those eventually, and Stephanie is pretty ready for the job)

Other staff the Australian Antarctic Division should be looking for:

LAWYER. Responsibilities: For when someone starts killing everyone one by one. Someone. Or something. Occupational Health and Safety implications of serial killer on remote Antarctic base.

NEWS PROVIDER.  Responsibilities: Min. 8hrs per day surfing internet & providing amusing and entertaining commentary on the state of the outside world. Remuneration: $101,406 p.a. plus allowances.

ARTWORK.  Responsibilities:  Lie around looking pretty; perfect eyebrow game; provide tutorials on the perfect wing eyeliner; occasionally frown disdainfully at crew members who get too close.  Remuneration:  Lots of chocolate.

SOCIAL MEDIA COORDINATOR, OFFICIAL FANDOM LIAISON, MEME DISTRIBUTOR.  Responsibilities: Grow social media presence through lulz, beta-read other team members’ fic, ensure memes are up-to-date. Check for important show downloads.

INVESTIGATOR. Responsibilities: Willing to go through the door everyone knows the inevitable serial killer on the team is hiding behind, fills out all forms in triplicate, willing to work with and/or against law enforcement, depending on what side of the blood bath they fall.

LAW ENFORCEMENT OF SOME KIND. Please bring guns and knives.

PENGUIN WRANGLER. Responsibilities: Cuddling penguins.

CALLIGRAPHER. Responsibilities:  Spend all day making a large and artsy mess, producing very little. Occasionally bounce out of studio to show off something shiny and gold or to ramble about nibs.  Remuneration: art supplies to the value of your salary; food.

EATING MODEL.  Responsibilities: Demonstrate a healthy and willing appetite for any food cooked by the chef, to discourage grumbling among the rest of the crew.  Eat ALL the things.  Remuneration:  occasional sneaky Haighs drop.

ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT.  Responsibilities: Sort out everyone’s paperwork. Keep offices neat and tidy. Make sure things happen when and where they’re supposed to happen. Appear invisible.  Remuneration:  more than literally anyone else on the station, who can survive without proper admin?

KNITTER. Responsibilities: Knitting hilars clothes and accessories on request.

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The NSW Parliament welcomes the Sydney Opera House seal; recommends a criminal lawyer, proving the NSW parliament doesn’t understand how migration works

Yesterday, Tuesday 14 October, the NSW Parliament took time out from being massively corrupt to welcome the Sydney Harbour Seal to Sydney Harbour.  And also to recommend a criminal lawyer in case it, too, is massively corrupt.

unnamed

[SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE SEAL

THE Hon. Dr PETER PHELPS [10.47 p.m.]: On behalf of the New South Wales Parliament I welcome welcome the Sydney Opera House seal to Sydney Harbour and look forward to its continued presence over many years to come. Should it ever need a criminal lawyer I strongly recommend Andrew Tiedt.

Question-That this House do now adjourn-put and resolved in the affirmative.

Motion agreed to.

The House adjourned at 10.47 p.m. until 11.00 a.m. on Wednesday 15 October 2014]

nz fur seal

A three year old New Zealand fur seal has been hanging out on the steps of the Sydney Opera House for a few weeks. When it first arrived the New South Welsh police were called (because Sydney, I guess), but it was officially welcomed by the New South Wales Parliament yesterday and also recommended to a criminal lawyer.

This is clearly a misleading recommendation as, if anything, the seal will require a migration agent. However given the current state of Australia’s immigration climate, the recommendation of a criminal lawyer may not be completely remiss.

Further complicating matters, and in long-standing tradition, Australia has already claimed the New Zealand seal for itself, naming it the Sydney Opera House Seal despite it clearly being a Kiwi. We expect the seal will be lounging around and claiming the dole shortly.