Ms Mariah Carey has been dating a man who is beneath her for some time now. (Not for the first time!  Probs not for the last!  Spoilers: most men are unworthy of Mariah.)

Last week No Award encountered the rumour that she had left her own place to move into his subpar mansion. Although Mariah has since denied these claims, it took us to a great place: the idea of Mariah moving into the Lodge.

We are, of course, generally opposed to the scions of wealthy families going into politics, because it’s all wrapped up in notions of entitlement and just how representative can he be, and so forth.

We also have no evidence that James Packer has political ambitions, aside from the aforesaid entitlement complex and whatnot. But we are prepared to make an exception in this case and pray that Mr Packer does have his eye on the prime ministership, and also that he and Mariah have a long and happy relationship that lasts well into their golden years.

Because it has been far too long since Australia had a really hilarious first lady.  We don’t even really have first ladies, to be honest, just the nice ladies who happen to be married to undeserving men who become prime minister, and also Julia Gillard’s gentleman companion.

We’ve had clever, and professional, and wealthy-in-their-own-right first ladies.  Zara Holt was regarded as an eccentric for the flowing ’60s gowns she wore, and also the blind eye she turned to Harold’s philandering.  Margaret Whitlam was regarded (by Liz’s parents) as being too tall, loud and opinionated to be a proper first lady, but she wasn’t what you’d call fabulous.

Mariah?  Is fabulous.  Whether she’s refusing to have her left cheek (?) photographed, or claiming her rightful place as a credible musician with an award-winning, genre-defining MTV Unplugged set, she’s a force of nature.  Name another first lady — anywhere in the world — who’s been nominated for both SAG and Golden Raspberry Awards.

Did Pattie Menzies release 18 number one singles in the US?  Was Janette Howard the best-selling recording artist of the ’90s?  Did Tamie Fraser do a surprise striptease on TRL?  Is Bettina Gorton credited with fusing pop and hip hop and paving the way for Britney Spears and Nicki Minaj?

(Liz wonders if Mariah really deserves that credit.  I mean, come on, guys, surely TLC were ahead of her there.)

Australia needs Mariah.

If anything, putting Mariah in the Lodge might improve the standard of political discourse.  For example…

Maribyrnong City Council meeting erupts in brawl over Yarraville parking meters

 We applaud people in the Arab Spring standing up and saying this is not right. But when it happens in Yarraville people say that we are yuppies.

About parking meters. PARKING METERS. In Yarraville.

Mr Millar said councillor Grant Miles was king hit while still in his chair by a “middle-aged man” after he and other councillors voted against the motion to repeal paid parking, prompting uproar from the crowd.

He said councillors and council staff moved to stop the assailant, but chairs went flying as another man joined the affray and Cr Nam Quach, who had also voted against the motion, was picked up and “body slammed” to the floor.

Sure. We mean – sure.

Spokeswoman from Yarraville Village Says No To Paid Parking, Megan Darling, said while the violence was not appropriate, the “council have forced this behaviour”.

PAID PARKING in Yarraville sure has forced this behaviour. Sure. Just like the Arab Spring.

In Perth, there’s never enough public transport, and also, for a beach city entering perpetual summer, never enough picnic tables, so really it’s no surprise that police are yelling on Facie about nine men on two motorised picnic tables driving the streets of Scarbs.

In images captured on CCTV and released by WA police, a group of nine young men can be seen casually sitting at two picnic tables – benches attached – while the tables trundle down the main thoroughfare.

The tables have been fitted with what looks like the wheels of a ride-on lawnmower. Neither the motor or whatever passes for the controls are visible.

And related important Perth history: Motorised esky rider has run in with police, but he’s not the first.

“There are overall safety concerns particularly if a traffic incident was to occur, resulting in the persons subjecting themselves to potential injury,” a Police spokesman said.

The people using these vehicles could face a number of charges including driving an unlicensed vehicle, driving an unroadworthy vehicle and drink driving.

Perth. PERTH.

And then venturing north to NT, we’re still not totally sure what happened, since nothing seems to have changed:

Coming back to Melbourne, we’re confused to inform you that Bill Shorten was driving his mum’s car when he spilled coffee on his lap and sideswiped two parked cars in Carlton on Sunday morning. The car he crashed was his late mum’s Mitsubishi Colt, which as all Aussies can tell you, is a definite Mum Car.

(Shorten’s mum died relatively recently.  No Award offers its condolences, and wishes to clarify that we cast no aspersions on either the late Mrs Shorten or her car.)

Actually, never mind this “Mariah for First Lady” malarkey.

Mariah for PM.

You heard it here first.