24 Terrible Life Lessons from Australian Music of the 90s

Previously on No Award: 53 important life lessons from Australian music of the ’90s

Look, the 90s weren’t all hypercolour and flower hats. We took some terrible things to heart in the 90s, too.

  1. You should pick up bad habits when you go through a break up. (Heavy Heart, You Am I)
  2. Making oneself secondary to others sure is a way to try and earn love. (The Captain, Kasey Chambers) (Also refine this, it’s not great)
  3. Nihilism is definitely how you get through your year 12 exams. (Greg! The Stop Sign, TISM)
  4. Girls don’t understand science fiction and hate dating nerds. (Girls Like That (Don’t Go For Guys Like Us), Custard)
  5. Girls have an obligation to reciprocate male attention. (Girl’s Life, Girlfriend)
  6. Murdering your girlfriend is totally okay. (Where the Wild Roses Grow, OBVIOUSLY, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds featuring Kylie Minogue)
  7. You should definitely keep going back into that toxic relationship. (Chains, Tina Arena)
  8. Stalking is a perfectly appropriate way to let a girl know that you like her. (Everywhere You Go, Taxiride)
  9. Always guilt people about how much you miss them and how it’s their fault you’re horny; also it’s okay to use a slur to talk about trans people. (No Aphrodisiac, The Whitlams)
  10. Fighting in a relationship is okay, but affection is terrible. (Harpoon, Jebediah)
  11. Even if you’re in Australia, it’s okay to have a one hour shower. (Cry, The Mavis’s) (Also, fuck apostrophes.)
  12. Keep daggy presents from your rellies, cos they’ll be cool when you’re older. (Sweater, Eskimo Joe) (Also, name yourself after racially problematic words, see also, the cafe near Steph’s work called ‘Gipsy’, and also Shihad)
  13. Know a person in a crisis who has a stolen gun? Don’t tell anyone! (Run Baby Run, Deadstar)
  14. Stalking: still really great. (Coma, Max Sharam)
  15. Fruit-based metaphors and cheesy pick-up lines are quite good. (Apple Eyes, Swoop)
  16. Crime: the solution to any problem. (Better Get A Lawyer, The Cruel Sea)
  17. Absolutely tell everyone about the sex you had last night. (Tellin’ Everybody, Human Nature)
  18. Music is crap. (Music is Crap, Custard)
  19. It’s hard to distinguish between video games and reality. (Black Bugs, Regurgitator)
  20. Sex dolls are better than real women because they don’t talk or have needs. (Polyester Girl, Regurgitator)
  21. Stick out really terrible relationships. (Easy, Hunters and Collectors. (Incidentally the first song Steph ever wrote songfic to.)
  22. When you’re working in hospitality, you should date all your customers. (I Make Hamburgers, The Whitlams)
  23. Bagpipes are totally punk rock. (Pacifier, Shihad)
  24. Everything will get better in the 21st century. (Anthem for the Year 2000, silverchair) (Only if you fuck shit up, which is not a terrible lesson)


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