This week’s Doctor Who episode (Liz liked it a lot! Especially Bill “greatest companion since the last one you really loved” Potts!) has a beat where the Doctor clears out a Sydney cafe by emerging from the toilets and shouting, “Shark attack!” For plot reasons, obviously.

But it’s frankly ridiculous that this ploy would work, so here are a couple of short listicles.

Things Australians would actually do if a random Scottish alien emerged from the dunny and shouted “Shark attack!”

• Rush towards the toilets to gawk at the elusive urban loo shark
• Set up three competing Twitter accounts for the loo shark
• Order more coffee while considering whether or not to have avocado toast for brunch
• Lament that the presence of a shark is just going to drive property prices up further, I mean, it’s just another sign of gentrification, isn’t it?
• Start a debate about the ethics of culling toilet sharks

Ways to actually clear an Australian cafe

• “The flat whites here are terrible.”
• “Bon Soy is people!”
• “Look! A two-bedroom pet-friendly flat in an inner suburb for less than $300 a week! Inspect now!”
• “They’re out of avocado!”
• “THERE’S A SUPER CUTE DOGGY NEXT DOOR!”