Good news! Some convicts in 1829 hijacked a boat bound for Tasmania, jumped on it, and sailed off, becoming Historical Bogans Off the Coast of Japan.

We have been referring to this discovery as ‘a literal present for Steph from the past’.

As always, before I make fun of bogans, I’d like to mention my family lineage, that is, I spent the last week in Perth with the fam which featured shopping for a good pair of trakkie daks, watching The Voice (and also basically the Chinese versions of The Voice, but still), and spinning the wheels of my mother’s red car (with dragon seat covers) as I took off from intersections.

Here is the full article: Australian convict pirates in Japan: evidence of 1830 voyage unearthed

IN SUMMARY, an Australian was like ‘huh. What if…?’ and then googled a thing and was CORRECT, this MISSING BOAT was in fact the same boat that some samurai randomly encountered in 1830!

Here are some choice quotes from the notes written by the samurai of the encounter:

He had a “scarlet woollen coat” with “cuffs embroidered with gold thread and the buttons were silver-plated”, which was “a thing of great beauty, but as clothing it was gaudy”.

WHAT AN ACCURATE THING TO SAY ABOUT BOGANS. OR EVEN JUST ABOUT ALL AUSTRALIANS.

remove their hats “to the man, most of them revealing balding heads”

OH BURN

One sailor bared his chest to the disguised samurai to reveal a tattoo of “the upper body of a beautiful woman”, Hamaguchi wrote.

Another produced “a big glass of what appeared to be an alcoholic beverage and indicated that we should drink”.

[portrait of the authors of No Award]

When the ship did not raise its anchor, a cannon fired on the ship like a “thunder clap … followed by an eerie screeching noise as the old deeply pitted ball flew between the two masts of the barbarian ship”.

“Irritatingly, without sign of haste or panic, the crew leisurely spread one sail,” Hamaguchi said.

That is some larrikin business right there.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL NARRATIVE, you should read it in its entirety because it’s a ridiculous addition to the national narrative, of the white barbarians who were forced upon this land and then went wandering to force themselves on other lands (haha, bet you’re regretting it now, that’s right, I can bring EVERYTHING back to colonialism).

Things Steph would like to write about now, after this:

• All of these pirates are lady pirates not bloke pirates, obvs
• More Chinese pirates, obviously (ALWAYS)
• Meeting Japanese pirates
• Bogans on a pirate ship, falling overboard, getting sunburnt, accidentally having successes
• Bogan pirates drag racing one another, throwing booze ship to ship
• Bogan pirate B+S ball
• Steampunk bogan pirates
• Bogan ghost pirates pick up Harold Holt (May the Sea Return Him)