Bearing in mind the limitations of the four European seasons as applied to an Australian setting, it seems to be spring. Sort of. We had some warm days, then some cool days, and in a few weeks, warm will outnumber cool, and then we’ll be whinging about summer until March. (Steph would never whinge about summer.)
Spring is a wonderful time of year, but it also comes with some dangers in Australia. Here are things that make spring difficult for your average No Awarder:
- specifically magpies
- also faux-birbs, like the highly realistic magpie statue that Liz passed on her way to work yesterday that she genuinely thought was about to attack her
unnatural desire to jog
having to find clothes that fit
wind in your face, and also rain, because it was so nice and sunny that you decided to ride to the station, and now you’re on your way home, and the heavens opened approximately 30 seconds after you got on your bike
SPRING CYCLISTS UGH
(No Award wishes to encourage cycling at all times)
(No Award wishes to encourage new cyclists, full of the joy and delight of cycling in spring, to LEARN THE ROAD RULES FIRST and STOP WOBBLING INTO OUR WAY DURING PEAK HOUR TRAFFIC)
(No Award recommends spending a weekend riding around your neighbourhood and getting used to your bike again before tackling the CBD at peak-hour, and also refreshing yourself about road rules as they pertain to bicycles)
- (and also the rules as they apply to cars, so you can swear at them and signal using only your middle finger as appropriate)
- too warm to eat baked potato on a regular basis
- anecdotal evidence of the dangers of birbs being a nation-wide scourge include the time Friend of No Award Ashleigh was on holiday with her family in northern Queensland and a birb chased her all the way across a football field in Rockhampton. she was 12 at the time and she has Never Forgotten.
- also the time a magpie took a chunk out of Liz’s head when she was walking home from school
- there was blood everywhere.
- stupid birb, we don’t even want to go near your eggs
- Official Potato Moya’s family had a duck once. Moya’s most vivid memory of this duck is of it chasing her very small sister with murderous intent. BIRBS
UV radiation, literally the only thing that oppresses white people in Australia
sunscreen is expensive and many brands are too oily for Liz’s delicate face
- 18.92% increase in chance of having a Go-Betweens song in your head all day long
increased likelihood of finding oneself wearing the wrong clothes for the weather at that precise moment
leg-shaving-related injuries, for those who prefer to be hairless in summer
- (Liz recommends buying a men’s electric razor with a trimming attachment, if you have serious deforestation needs)
- (the lady at the razor shop recommends men’s razors because the women’s models are more expensive and less powerful because OF COURSE)
- one must also note the unrelenting threat of ibises, but that’s an all-year thing because they are the WORST
- see also: cassowaries
- suddenly the world is full of advertisements about beach bodies and how to acquire one
- How to acquire a beach body by No Award:
- take your body to the beach. THERE.
- OR dig up a beach until you find a corpse. Beach body achieved!
when searching for a buried beach body, it is advisable to have some existing foreknowledge of potential beach body locations. It is tiresome to dig up every square inch of a beach and find nothing. This is not an efficient way to achieve a beach body.
- for maximum efficiency, one can bury one’s own beach body at a prearranged time, and return to dig it up later.
if planning a beach body expedition with friends, choose your companions wisely.
it is always possible to achieve a beach body by merely taking your least favourite friend to the beach and allowing nature to take its course.
No Award does not recommend murder OR beach-side grave robbery, and if Official Potato Moya invites us to the beach this summer, we are going to politely decline.
- Harold Holt (May The Sea Return Him) is everyone’s beach bodyspiration this summer.
- cats shed their winter coat, which means their homes are full of cat hair and also they are less fat and cuddly
- further birbs to be wary of: plovers, seagulls
- ANTS ARRIVE
- the ants from last summer have evolved an immunity to the ant rid you used last year, and now guzzle it down during the night like some sort of ant monsters
- why do they want to be in Liz’s kettle? We do not recommend ants as an ingredients in tea
- 32.7% increase in co-workers making ritual expressions of guilt before consuming food
- the long torturous three month wait until grapes are in season
- likewise cherries
- in conclusion